Canada: Home of the Red and the White and Real Maple Syrup

Canada is the greatest country in the world. Did you know Canada is over 20 years old. Did you know if you took everybody in Canada and made them stand on top of one another, they would reach the moon and back... probably. In Canada they speak French and English, but in the United States we only have Spanish (sad face). Also, if a foreigner does't speak any of those languages, Canadians won't be like "Don't know it anymore," they will except you, unlike the U.S. In the Canada doggy-style is known as ranger time. Canada didn't kill the natives, if they did, then they would be a lot like us. But it's not, if it were like us, they would hate black presidents, gay senator(probably) and Norwegians(once again, probably). In Canada, the republicans are the democrats and  the democrats are the communists. Canada is when love falls in love.
I decided to write this because a few weeks ago i went to Canada and had giants pancakes, while eating such works of art, I decided to read the ingredients of the syrup and to my surprise THERE WAS NO HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP. They used real maple syrup, and that is just one reason why Canada is better than us. They care enough to actual things in their products not bull shit like corn syrup, thank you Corporate America. In about nearly any food, even meat(WTF?) corn is involved because corn is easy to grow and cheap but it fucks up the land. Corn lobbyist say that "corn syrup and white sugar are the same thing", but nutritionists says that corn syrup is worse for you. It's because of corn syrup that Americans are so fat, like really, no like extremely fat. I don't wanna make this too long, be careful always read the ingredients because if you have a conscience(unlike Paleontologists and Tea-Baggers) you will think twice before buying that new snickers, because I do and I feel a lot healthier.

puns

Aren't puns the greatest thing on the planet? Well actually, they're just really funny; in fact, apparently, the Atlantic ocean, (or some giant mushroom in Oregon; depending on who you ask) is the greatest thing on the planet -- "sliced bread" used to be the greatest thing. If none of the puns I've used so far are funny to you, it's because puns are generally situational (or you're just some plant with no sense of humor). They're usually only good when they're 'spur of the moment', like a well positioned "that's what she said" or "your mom" joke.

Also, puns are only funny if you understand both meanings.
Example: "Being in politics is just like playing golf: you are trapped in one bad lie after another"* If you don't know both meanings of "lie", this might seem like a terrible joke, but if you know lie can mean 'the position in which something rests', then it's funny.

Sometimes puns get lost in text, for example: "Atheism is a non-prophet institution" (- George Carlin)* - In speech, both prophet and profit sound the same, thus you have a pun where atheism has neither a profit oriented purpose nor a prophet. In text it's not as funny, because the statement is very literal, making it harder to have multiple interpretations. In a way, puns are like coffee, hard liquor, or broccoli, an acquired taste. Usually the simplest puns are words that have some regular meaning and a sexual meaning, since most people have a large vocabulary in that department.

More examples:

Good Puns
Spot remover. It made my dog disappear! (-JRD)
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.

Bad Puns
Time flies I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. I didn't know how to tie a tie, so I bought lace-less shoes A boiled egg is hard to beat

Stupid Puns
Thanks for the brake
K-9
There is nothing punny about bad puns

All in all, puns can be used for good or weevle, so handle with care

*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pun

Religion... 'Nuff Said

It's strange whenever I hear people say the United States are a Christian Nation because this isn't a Christian nation. Yes the majority of Americans are Christian but that doesn't really mean anything. Many books I have read such as "Lies my Teacher Told Me" by James W. Loewen, states that the first real settlers were the Vikings. In your face Quakers. In 1375 came Spanish Catholics, and about 120 years came the first Christians from England. If anything this is a Viking nation, we should all drink beverages from the skulls of our fallen enemies, that would be awesome-- better than crappy grape "wine" we are forced to have at church (I had to go to a church for reasons I don't want to share, boy did I feel out of place). Religion led to the deaths of about 284,638,000 people, and 151,491,000 were killed in the past 100 years, says an article published by New Scholars, written by Kirk Durston. That is a lot of people, I mean A LOT of people just dead for not being the right religion. I wonder what goes through religious people when they fight, what do they argue about? My god has a bigger dick than yours. That seems to make the most sense to me, what else could there be? My cousin went to a Christian elementary school and his science text book said the Earth was "10,000 years old", if you don't believe me, leave a comment and I will show you. I am not just bashing on Christianity, I think most religion is bad(except mine because I'm biased). After I saw Munich, I didn't have a problem with Jewish people, Christians make me really mad, I have no problem with Jesus, I love Jesus but the ignorance the majority of them have is so high; for example majority of Christians thing democracy was created by Jesus... *face-palm*. Muslims aren't any better, both Islam and Christianity are the same religion, if you have taken Calculus you will get this; Judaism is f(x), Christianity is f''(x), Islam f"(x), and Mormons are the jerk. We hear things like people saying how Muslims don't treat women equally, obviously neither did Christianity, women weren't allowed to vote for the longest in the greatest nation of all. One last thing, none except one of our forefathers were deist, if you don't know what that is, it's time for you to look it up.

WTF is Twitter?

It is impossible for someone living anywhere in the world and not having a twitter. Yes I am a hypocrite, I have a twitter, I made it to see what's what, why every freakin' person has one. So I made one, I made a status update, and after ten minutes of staring at the screen, I thought "now what?" and to my surprise nothing happened. Boy was I pissed. Sites such as facebook and myspace both have the same thing that twitter has, this stupid idea of a status update that you must tell people, but they also have other things, such as pictures and chat. Twitter is nothing but status updates, nothing more. It is complete bull shit, it should be banned because who gives a damn if Mitt Romney is eating a sandwich on sourdough with very little mayo. Or when Mario Lopez is on the set of America's Best Dance Crew (worst show ever, and Jungle Boogie? Kinda racist). I totally understand the potential that twitter has for businesses, an article published by the New York Times states "reshaping the world of small business by becoming the new Yellow Pages, one-stop platforms where customers can find a business". But the thing I hate about it is the popularity it has for being something so stupid. How has our society come to this? A site where nothing happens but people go on it and make money of it. I mean it's same kind of people who buy 20 pack of steak at Cosco. How can we love something so stupid, so pointless that everybody has to be a part of it(American Idol).

Have political parties become too much about the party, and too little about the person?

I have often seen people be very vocal with which political candidate they support. Sometimes I get an actual answer, most of the time I get a fake answer that doesn't mean much. Such an example may be if I asked a liberal, or democrat whichever you prefer, why they support Obama. Often times I hear back that he is very personable and people just like him. They have no idea what he is doing and what the results of his actions will be, but they like him for some reason, that is apparently all that matters. That may be equivalent to saying that someone likes a cereal killer, or a terrorist. If you like someone, and are willing to vote for them to the highest seat of power in the United States, and indirectly the entire world, make sure you have reasons. It gets back to the old adage, "Don't judge a book by its cover." If people are only elected based on their appearance, not their true values, what is keeping some good looking communist or terrorist from becoming president? I'm not saying Obama is a terrorist, but I'm not saying he doesn't have communistic values. According to him, "everything is for the greater good" it seems. I am tired of people saying that "I am a republican" or "I am a democrat." People should use words such as "I am moderately conservative" or "I am extremely liberal." Because these words hint at the political party you may support, but it more shows what values you have and support. What political parties stand for can change. One day we may have a republican president who is in favor of abortion, who wants to legalize marijuana and who is a hippie. That is definitely not a conservative view point, but the person still ran as a republican. I think one of the best things this country can do to help in the presidential election process is to eliminate political parties and have individual people be elected instead. Instead of having fights and huge discussions because people are on two different parties, have one party, the American Party! Instead of fighting and arguing like everyone are 5 years old and using condescending insults, use concrete arguments and thoughts. Don't find everything that is wrong in people, find the good things in people! These changes would darastically change America from the direction it is going, and hopefully bring it back to what the founding father's anticipated America would be like. George Washington wasn't on a political party, because nobody at that time dreamed about political parties, so why do we have them now?

-W.D.

Gulf War 2: Revenge of the Bush

Happy March everyone, I know I haven't done a blog in sometime for various reason which aren't very important. Since I haven't done one in days I decided to choose the most split subject I can think of, The Iraq War a.k.a The War on "Terror". I put quotes on the word terror because I don't get that part; part the jackasses who attacked the twin-towers were not even from Iraq, they from Lebanon and paid by someone from Saudi Arabia... we should totally invade Iran. The U.S. invaded a country which had nothing to do with the attacks on the twin towers on, and yet we ended up bombing the hell out of this country. Remember when North Korea started making their own nuclear bombs, the U.S. gave N. Korea $300 Million to not build it, we could have done that with Iraq. Oh wait North Korea didn't try to kill Bush's Dad. My main problem with this whole thing is that the United States government let Bush do whatever he wanted to; for example, invade a country that "had weapons of mass destruction". Now when Obama tries to do some good for this country he is called a socialist, but thats not important for now. The funniest part of this whole thing was the fact that Bush put a big poster on a Navy Ship that said "Mission Accomplished", the majority of Americans thought that we this war was actually over, about 63% Americans thought that the war was over stated by the New York Times. Remember Condoleezza Rice, the least attractive woman the walk the face of this planet said she was "proud of us" invading Iraq; Richard Perle denies that there is anything called neoconservatism, which was the basis for invading Iraq and Bush started to blame his team for "bad analysis" he said in an interview with CNN. If you're gonna invade a country, stick to your guns. So initially, the previous presidency put the United States in a real cluster f**k.